Ratspeak

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Mortality Musings

Okay, so when I went a month without blogging, there were reasons beyond work, and some of the things that are plaguing me that I cannot talk about here, lest releasing my hideous knowledge on the world cause it to rupture in twain. Or in case there are people out there who shouldn't know what I am thinking about.

It was also a time of some personal issues. My father fell on the ice and broke his leg. That was earlier than I stopped writing, but it had a much greater effect on my than I would have thought. I'm lucky. There are a lot of bad parents out there, and I got none of 'em. Any of my friends would be quick to support that. My parents are not only supportive and helpful, but also relatively cool, as far as parents go. (I hope my kids, should we choose to have any, can one day be equally equivocal about my coolness.)

My father is pretty important to me. I don't have a lot of heroes in this life, but he is one. The thought that he is breakable - that I might lose him one day - hit home a lot harder than I thought it would. I mean, I'm a smart guy, and a realist. I know that my parents won't always be here. But it still catches you off guard when you are confronted with it. Here is a man who has always seemed larger-than-life to me. The fact of the matter is that while he is a bit taller than me, I am broader, and overall bigger than he these days. But I still feel as though his presence far outweighs my own. It isn't easy for me to think of a time without that presence around.

This entry is much less edgy, and far sappier than what I expected this blog to contain, but I thought that I should write out one of the things that was blocking my other writing, in the hopes of freeing up that block. Much like the one he has in his leg right now. He developed a blood clot from wearing the cast, which has since been removed. Unfortunately, there were some problems with the treatment, and after a month, he is basically back at square one for it. Blood clots are scary things. I know I'm scared anyway, and for those of you who know me, you know how seldom I feel anything like scared. My arrogance, and indeed the very attributes that help make me that way take the fear out of many situations. Now, I'm faced with a situation I can do nothing about, and which has perhaps the most frightening potential consequences I have ever had to deal with.

Of course, he seems to be fine, and is carrying on like everything is cool. I know he is right, after all, he is my father, and he's never steered me wrong, right? Right?

2 Comments:

  • Lookit you being all big and tough and furry and bald on the outside but still having human emotions on the inside.
    Whoever would've thunk it, eh?

    Yeah, I've uncovered some unexpected emotions of my own in the last few years dealing with mother issues. And it can, indeed, be scary. There's a sudden feeling of lonliness, in spite of the ongoing support around you; alone with your feelings and emotions and thoughts of how those will change - how everything will change - when things that have been there your whole life are suddenly gone.
    So I do have some idea what you're going through, and it sucks.

    But hey, any time you wanna go for a beer and talk, I'm always here. And any time you need a hug, someone else will be.

    Meanwhile...
    "I hope my kids, should we choose to have any, can one day be equally equivocal about my coolness" would, for the record, assume you're cool by that point. Y'ain't there yet, so best get started ASAP. Or you can take some of mine, if you'd prefer a shortcut. I've got more than one person should legally be allowed to have.

    By Anonymous Reay, at 3:36 PM  

  • Wow.
    Only Reay can take a warm blog entry and turn it into a advertisement for his own coolness.

    In a way, that is cool.

    In another, it is heartless.

    Heartlessly cool is our Reay.

    As for you, Alex..
    Kudos for opening up about your father. He sounds like a great guy. If he's half the guy you are, then he is a great man indeed.

    J

    By Anonymous Jorge, at 12:45 AM  

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