Ratspeak

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I hope I'm not...

Okay. Here goes a new entry a mere one day after the last - don't get used to it. Today's blog, boys and girls deals with all the things that I hope I am not. The thing is, most of the people who are the things below don't know it, so I could be and just not be aware of it.

Below is the list where a paragraph starts with "..." assume that represents the phrase "I hope I'm not" if you want it to make sense.

... One of those guys who thinks he's funny but isn't. Or even is kind of, but no where near as much as he thinks he is. You all know him - the guy who has to tell the same joke, which no one laughs at, to a bunch of different groups of people. And laughs uproariously at it every time. Or beats a horse that is not only dead, but cremated and had its ashes spread. I mean, it takes some work to keep beating that horse, scattered about as it is, but they find a way. Or the guy who tells racially, sexually or otherwise inappropriate jokes without knowing the tolerance of those around him to them. I have more than a few friends who joke about being brown. It's equally cool for me to reference brownness in jokes with them. Do I call every East Indian I meet "Brown Boy" the first time I meet them? Nope. They might not see the humour. There are a bunch of such examples, but since we all know one of these guys, I'm just going to leave it there and let you fill in the blanks.
There are two subsets of "not as funny as I think I am guy." I'm not sure which is worse - the guy who figures that if you don't react it is because you are stupid, or weren't listening and therefore whatever it was bears repeating, or the guy who demands a reaction: "Get it?" or "Funny stuff, huh?" or "Can you believe that?" Let me lay it out for you, if I didn't react, it's because I am too polite to look at you and say "that wasn't funny." If you insist I react, that is what you will get, because you have now taken from me the luxury of sparing your feelings. You deserve what you get.

... One of those people who thinks others care about his life to a greater degree than they do. I try not to talk about my work too much except to other technical people who might care. I don't think most people care about my car problems, whether or not my newest niece can walk yet, or my hangnail. There are people who do - close friends. And billions upon billions of people who don't. Of course, there is a line here between making polite conversation and boring people out of their minds. I like to believe I know where that line is, but I'm sure everyone who does this to others who do not care thinks they do too. Some of them are so far past the line that it is no longer visible, yet they think that this is because the line is still over the horizon coming towards them. Talking to one of these people is downright painful. I hope I never inflict that pain.

... One of those people who thinks people like him more than they really do. This one is really a pisser, as it often is composed of elements of the first two. People who invite themselves to sit with you at lunch, or follow you around, joining you in whatever you do, 'cause after all you are friends. I haven't had too many of these folks in my life, and none in years, but damn, when I did, I wanted to beat them with their own torn-off arm. If I wanted you around, I'd invite you. If I didn't invite you, it wasn't an oversight. Maybe it was once. More than once, and I didn't want you there.

... One of those guys who thinks that every woman wants him. Okay, I'm bald, carry a little extra weight, and my teeth are a little crooked. But for all that, I am still not a hideously unattractive guy. There might even be a couple of women in the world besides my wife who would like to give me a go. (Sorry ladies - happily married only begins to describe my level of satisfaction in my marriage) This does not mean that every woman I speak to in the course of my life (personal, professional, or both) wants me. Some of them really are just nice people. They are just being friendly. I know, you don't get it - when you talk to a woman it is because you want her, or you have to, or she's related to you. Women and men are different that way. Live with it, and don't embarrass yourself any more than you have to. This doesn't mean you should never try, it just means that one should realize that no one is everyone's "type." Learn to properly read a woman's signals, and you've managed one of life's bigger challenges. Not to mention, you have a writing career ahead of you in Maxim, et. al.

... One of those guys who thinks he is cooler than he is. You know, who wear driving gloves, but cannot pull it off. Same with Aviator shades, and any number of other styles. I know a guy (he's brown) who wears driving gloves. But he is cool enough to pull it off. (Just in case you ever read this, yes, Ack - I called you cool. Don't let it go to your head) Here is the deal - there is a limit to what anyone can pull off. Know your limits. Don't try to exceed them, or you will be mocked, whether it be to your face or behind your back.

... One of those guys who spends an inordinate amount of time letting what others do/think/don't know drive him nuts...

...wait...

5 Comments:

  • In case part of that last bit was aimed at me (who, after all, dedicates a lot of his Rant space to wondering why people are so stupid and do/don't do certain things), I say this: I don't spent a lot of time on it, and when it occurs to me, it's because it's in my face, not because I'm sitting on the bus wondering who I can spot doing something dumb and it finally clicking with, say, the guy alternating between picking his nose and chewing his fingernails (true story, incidentally).

    And I say, dammit, attention should be brought to these instances, that the reading public can enjoy/learn from them in whatever context works best, and hopefully not do the same stuff themselves.
    Think of it as a... I dunno... public service, of sorts: Helping People Be Less Stupid Through The Ridiculing Of Examples.

    And for the record, I dare say you're not any of those listed things you hope you're not. You're plenty of other things, mind you, but none of those. Unless you think you're more cool than me.
    Because.. pfft... negro, please.

    By Anonymous Reay, at 2:15 PM  

  • The last one was actually self-referential humour - I just spent time posting a blog entry about how people irritate me, then said I didn't want to be a guy who spent time on such things...

    By Blogger Just_A_Rat, at 2:24 PM  

  • Oh, I figgered it was at least partialy referring to yourself. Just didn't know if another part was me, at all.

    Commentators on the Stupid, unite!

    By Anonymous Reay, at 10:16 PM  

  • Ratfink,

    You are an hnourary Brown guy. Mixed with your current tone, this makes you beige.

    Beige on!

    My brothers will agree with me.

    As for every woman wanting you? I know you are not one of those guys who thinks that.

    Reay on the other hand...

    By Anonymous Jorge, at 12:42 PM  

  • Jorge,

    You are certainly right. I don't think every woman wants me. Tanya and Jackie on the other hand...

    By Blogger Just_A_Rat, at 4:35 AM  

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